Grief with Grace

As I’ve said before, my grief with each baby has been different. With Grace, there are extra, deep layers to my grief that I didn’t experience with Angel and Hope.

One difference was the life-threatening trauma I experienced. I had flashbacks and PTSD-type symptoms for a while afterward. It still happens to this day, although not as frequently or as intensely.

Another layer of grief was watching my son’s sadness for the loss of his little sister. He very much wanted to be a big brother. When we told him that Grace had gone to Heaven, with tear-filled eyes, he said “but I wanted that baby.”

A few days after that, he came across some of his old baby toys in the garage while helping his dad clean up. In true big brother fashion, he said “Dad, we need to take these toys to Heaven so Grace can have them.”

I have experienced major guilt over not being able to give my son a sibling. I could not imagine my life without my brother, and I very much want my son to have that relationship. Yes, I know that it isn’t my fault, but I have had to work through that guilt. I also have to remind myself that God knows far better than I do what my son needs, and that He loves Him more than I do.

Since I have been a little girl, my dream has been to be a mother. I have always desired multiple children. It has been one of my deepest desires. I loved my pregnancy with Austin. Since giving birth to him, I have very much wanted to do it again. However, it has become very risky for me to do so. Now, I am grieving that chapter of my life being closed. That has been a heartbreaking, soul-crushing realization. I am so thankful to have had the experience once with Austin. I do wish my last time to bring a child into this world wouldn’t have ended with such trauma and grief.

I don’t fully understand why it happened this way, but I must be willing to surrender my desires to Him. I must be willing to say “Thy will be done“ and “Use this and use me.” I must trust that He knows what’s best for my family. He knows best how to use this for His glory and our ultimate good.