Everyone grieves differently. I have grieved differently for all my babies.
I grieved Hope differently than I did Angel. With Angel, I grieved most intensely right after we found out there was not a heartbeat. Then it lessened with time. With Hope, the grief came in waves. I felt the most intense grief around the time of my due date, which just so happened to be the day after Mother's Day.
Originally, I was thinking there was no way I would be able to go to church that Mother’s Day. I know most everyone would be happy, smiling, and wishing all moms a “Happy Mother's Day.” Plus, our church does a baby dedication every Mother’s Day (we call it parent dedication).
However, I felt the Lord speak to my heart that I needed to go. I need to just feel all my feelings no matter what, and no matter what He would be there with me.
So I went. There was a song played in worship about Heaven. It happened to be a song that was placed on my heart right after we found out that we would not be welcoming Hope into our family on Earth. I just buried my head in my husband’s shoulder and cried and cried.
Then, during parent dedication, it was all baby girls. It was beautiful, but reminded me of the fact that I should also have a baby girl in my arms or be preparing to meet my daughter in the next couple of days.
It was a tough bittersweet day for sure. Even in tears, there was healing that day. God was with me. He was healing my heart. I was grieving and longing for what should have been with my daughter Hope, but also incredibly thankful for the son that God allowed me to raise on Earth. Although there was sadness, there was joy. There was thankfulness for Austin, for eternity, and the knowledge of seeing Hope again one day. God was with me in grief, restoring my heart. I spent the rest of the day enjoying my wonderful husband and amazing son. Also, I had crawfish for lunch... which is always a good thing.
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